Posts Tagged ‘ introvert ’

Two Versions of Me

I don’t know if this is the case with everyone, but who I am in real life is extremely different from who I imagine I’d like to be.

In my brain, I’d like to be this mysterious, inscrutable person. I’d like to be difficult to read, and always keep people guessing. But in real life, I wear my heart on my face, and I have no filter. Whatever I’m thinking, I say.

The no filters thing has been a problem of mine ever since I was a wee child, when I would freely make unsolicited observations about people’s appearances. Through rigorous training, I slowly learned that no-one gives a crap about my opinions, and that I should try to keep my mouth shut unless I have something interesting to say.

Definitely still working on that.

I’m honest to a fault. The times I’ve been kicked out of bars is because I told the truth when people asked me about my age, even without asking for ID. When a quasi-homeless coffee shop regular of mine was prying into my personal life I didn’t tell him to mind him own business because my mouth was too busy telling the truth. It was stupid.

I don’t think people realize that I’m actually not an extrovert. Part of my job is to be sociable. I’m very good at what I do. But I realized recently that I’m very really sociable when I’m not getting paid. Maybe I’m kind of a shut-in. But when I see my customers in the real word, they often want to talk to me and I have to¬†aggressively¬†pretend not to see them because I don’t want to be friends with eighty percent of my customers in the real world.

That’s another dichotomy of me that I can’t figure out. If I’m so good at getting people to like me, why am I so asocial? And why do I spend so much time alone when I equally enjoy spending time with some humans?

I realize that I suffer from a very particular brand of social awkwardness. I find people very easy to talk to. This didn’t used to be the case– learning to talk to people is a skill learned over many years. But an unfortunate side effect of my people skills being learned is that while I find people easy to talk to, I am idiotic at connecting with people.

The jump from casual chat to real talk is almost always terrifying for me. I’d sooner jump a chasm in the real world.

In my brain, I’m smooth. I even imagine myself as suave.

Anyway, I can’t be the only person who has this problem. Just thought I’d air my neuroses to you fine people of the Internet.

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Everyone is my Best Friend. Or not.

I have an issue. My personality is weird, and I can’t figure me out. I love the company of people some days, and other days I want to hide in my room and not see anyone.

I’m an outgoing introvert.

Some days, I feel like this:

I love you, world! Don't you love me?!

But other days, I’m more like this:

I only like me.

Apparently, I’m unable to find a happy medium, that preferable state of social neutrality.

I feel like people (socializing, other humans, etc.) are the fire on a cool night. I get annoyed by all the smoke, so I go sit far away, on the other side of the campground. But then I get scared of bears in the darkness and rush back to the fire, only to get too close and get smoke in my eyes again, so then I stomp off into the night again to gaze at the stars.

I’m beginning to notice this sort of pattern in a lot of different areas in my life– maybe I’m bi-polar?

Whether or not that’s the case, I feel sorry for the people in my life sometimes. If I don’t talk to you or see you for a while, I promise it’s nothing personal; I’m simply tired of humanity.

Also, before you mention it,when I’m off by myself it’s not because I’m unhappy, as my crude doodle may suggest. Oftentimes I’m at my happiest when I’m alone writing, singing, or just dreaming. I find peace alone that I can never find in company.

However, I find joy with company that I only rarely find alone.

I suppose the key to social neutrality is simply calming the heck down and not being such a spazoid all the time.

But… Where’s the fun in that?

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