Feed Me: An Expose

Being human, I suffer from an unfortunate condition which forces me to eat food multiple times daily in order to maintain my status as a living person. Being lazy and easily distracted, I often neglect eating in favor of more fun activities like reading a book, playing outside, or the Internet. As much as I like food, its allure fades next to the seductive glow of a story I don’t know. Eating has just never been a top priority for me.

It really should be.

When I neglect eating food for too long, I turn into a clumsy, angry monster.

So for your consideration, here are some of the terrible things that happen when I get too hungry. (Also known as Reasons to Feed Me.)

Reason #1: The Anger

When I get too hungry, I get angry. I’m not talking about petty annoyance or pissy whining. I’m talking She-Hulk status here.

The smallest, dumbest things will set me off. That person looked at me weird! What an asshole. Oh, that guy has an ugly beard? I hope his teeth fall out. I dropped my spoon? The spoon is out to get me. That spoon is such a jerk.

Over time I have learned to control the She-Hulk in my heart, but let’s just say that Hangry (hungry/angry) me is not at all like fun, well-fed me.

Hangry Bethany

Reason #2: The Clumsiness

In real life, when I’m fed, hydrated, and caffeinated, I’m a relatively adept person. On a good day I might even be kid of Spiderman-esque, dancing around, catching falling things, and twirling steaming pitchers like there’s no tomorrow, because tomorrow I’ll probably not be especially awesome, but I at least probably won’t break anything.

But as soon as I get too hungry, my body begins to rebel, and I’m as clumsy as I was at age 14 right after a growth spurt. My limbs betray me with their length. My elbows fling around with unintentional force, and I trip on my own feet as if I’m wearing shoes three sizes too big.

I’m not a short woman– I imagine the sight of me accidentally and clownishly flopping around is hilarious. Indeed, I would find it hilarious myself if not for the Anger.

Clumsy Bethany

Reason #3: The Rollercoaster

As any of my family will tell you (all too enthusiastically,) when I was in the throes of puberty, every day was a wild ride of emotion.  Since I hate rollercoasters, it sucked.

I was an unwilling passenger in the front cart of this wild fluctuation from joy to anger to sorrow, always within hours and sometimes within minutes of one another– unpredictable, and just as un-fun for me as for my family.

When I get too hungry, not only does my body feel like I’ve been warped back to the most awkward phase of life, but my emotions do the same. They start to destabilize, and what is normally a nice scenic train ride can suddenly derail in a train wreck of Emotion. If I’ve made good decisions (like drinking water) and I’m lucky, I’ll just hang out on the Anger track, because even though it’s a Hulk-like anger, at least it stays angry instead of bouncing around from laughter to tears.

Emotional Bethany

So basically, to sum up and conclude, if I ever seem angry, clumsy, emotional, or any combination thereof, you have two options that will result in you still wanting to be friends with me; Feed me, or run away. Quickly.

    • Kjiersten
    • February 8th, 2013

    Bethany, you make me laugh.

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