Monologue to an Unwelcome Visitor


Today as I stepped into my shower stall, I noticed a long, leggy spider above me. He was moving more than I appreciated, but I typically let spiders live as long as they mind their own business, so while he minded his I minded mine.

He looked something like this.

So I was washing my hair when I noticed this spider starting to sort of encroach on my territory.

“No, spider,” I shouted, “You stay in your corner and I’ll let you live.”

But he didn’t.

This audacious spider lowered himself by his invisible spider strings right down into my shower stall. Needless to say, he definitely violated the terms of our unspoken agreement.

“Okay, spider, I didn’t want to do this, but you leave me with no choice!” I yelled. He was down to my waist height, about eight inches from me, dangling. I caught water in my hands and splashed it on him, laughing in a crazed fashion.

“Down the drain you go,” I cackled, “Suckerrrr!”

His this spidery legs squirmed, stuck to the floor of the shower by the water’s surface tension.

“I was content to let you stay up there, but nooooo,” I continued as I splashed more water at him, directing him toward the drain, “You had to go and invade my space. You get what you came for, spider!”

The spider struggled, trying to crawl away from the drain, but a final deluge sent him to Davy Jones’ locker.

“And now you’re dead,” I continued monologuing, “Sucker!”

And that is why you don’t walk in on Bethany in the shower– I might try to kill ya.

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