What your Coffee says about you — a comprehensive guide (A.k.a., barista love and complaints.)

If any of you are at all like me, you sometimes wonder what people are thinking about you. So for anyone who’s ever wondered what your barista is probably thinking about you when you order your drink, I offer you this comprehensive guide of rather judgemental generalizations that I make about people in the shop where I work. Enjoy!

We begin with non-coffee drinks.

  • Tea — You probably don’t like coffee
  • Tea Latte — You’re looking for Townshends (especially if you order a flavored green tea. Honestly people– does it LOOK like a tea shop?)
  • Spiced Cider– You’re an old person.
  • Hot chocolate over the age of 12 — You can’t take the caffeine.
  • Steamers with fruit flavors over the age of 12– Please grow up and order something that doesn’t curdle milk!
  • Italian Soda, Cremosa, or Smoothie– It must be summer. (This also goes for anything blended.)
And now we move onto the wonderful world of coffee drinks!
  • Latte — If you order a latte without flavor, I assume you like coffee for real, and you probably have discerning taste. Unless you swirl sugar into it later– then I assume you ordered it because you don’t know what anything is.
  •  Mocha– This is espresso on training wheels. Unless you order it extra sweet or with extra flavor(s), you’re cool.
  • White Mocha — You’re probably a high school girl, or anyone under the age of 14. You like to say how much you like coffee but you don’t actually like the flavor of coffee. (I know about this one– that used to be me.)
  • Cappuccino– You like proper coffee, unless you order Starbucks-style. Then you just like the fancy name.
  • Breve — You know and love good coffee. I love you.
  • Americano or drip — you are either poor, not fussy, or both. I also love you.
  • Macchiato — If you want a Starbucks style mach, I will explain to you that you’re wrong. If you want a proper macchiato, you’ve won my undying love.
  • Espresso — You’re a boss, and I love you for being non-fussy.
Ladies and Gents, that’s what’s running through my head when you order your drinks. However, I have more tips for you about what your baristas are thinking!

If you add sugar to your latte or cappuccino after I serve it to you, it’s clear that you didn’t know that sweetener isn’t a given. Also, if you swirl sugar into latte art, you make me cry many bitter tears at night.

If you add so much cream to your americano or drip coffee that you need me to microwave it for you, you should have gotten a latte. Probably with flavor.

If you order a shot of espresso, take one sip, try to drown the espresso in sugar and cream and STILL don’t drink it, you should learn your limitations. Save yourself some trouble– Get a mocha next time.

If you tell me step-by-step how to make your drink, you should really stop going to crappy coffee houses so that you can learn to trust your baristas.

If you are super skinny and insist upon ordering nonfat, I might worry about you.

If you use the wifi without a) asking nicely, b) buying a drink, or c) being a regular, you’re super lame.

If you are in a group of three or more and you only tip a quarter, you’re stingy.

If you hover around the espresso machine, I assume you’re impatient.

If you have to wait in line, are with a group, or came in right before a rush, don’t ask me two minutes after you ordered if your drink is done– especially if I’m alone.

If you order something your barista recommended and you don’t like it, please bring it back and get something else. Otherwise, drink your freakin’ coffee!

If you are a regular, a multitude of faults will be overlooked.

If you tip, I love you.

Fellow baristas, what are some other raves/rants spurred by our blessed job?

  1. I’m a Mocha and i’m a guy, what does that say about me then as a guy? lol ;)

    • Honestly, I’ve never really thought about mochas as associated with manhood haha…. But don’t think that it’s a mar on it. If you ordered “snickers” or white mochas, that’s the coffee equivalent of ordering girly drinks at a bar. Which is all good and well, as long as you’re willing to accept the reality of it. :]

    • Aubrey
    • September 12th, 2011

    I love the “bring it back and get something else” part of this post.
    If your barista actually takes her job seriously, she will WANT you to bring it back if it doesn’t seem right. I know that paying 3-4 bucks for a drink should ensure that you get what you want. I am not offended when someone brings a drink back to me, unless it is after they’ve specified something I wouldn’t normally do. Then it is their problem, not mine.

    • Robin
    • September 14th, 2011

    I’m still chuckling over “you ordered it because you don’t know what anything is…” BAHAHAHA. That was exactly WHY I ordered Latte’s for the first several years I visited coffee shops. :)

    there – I said it


    • Well, a latte is a pretty safe drink! I don’t blame you for not knowing what it is, because the best way to learn what you like is to try stuff :)

  1. May 25th, 2012

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